washcloth wipes the blood off his forehead and never learns a lesson.

01.24.2018i talk to people i don’t know when i’m all drunk and i say and get into the stupidest things. i don’t make sense to anyone or myself. i had to go and bathe grandma cuz she hurt herself recently n so she can’t move right. old skin feels weird and it reminds me that i’m gonna look like that one day, i’d i don’t die before it. cuz ma might be crazy but she right when she says that i’m playin with fire n fuckin my shit up. she isn’t all there but she gets it, sometimes, though she still talks about dad like he’s gonna come back. i just keep telling her that, like, y’know well he’s just got this press tour and he’s running around the country so it’ll be a while. but like a couple days come a couple weeks to months to years, like, how could i pull it off? i guess she forgets, right? she forgets that i do that shit. so i guess it doesn’t matter — the things i tell her cuz she’s gonna forget i said them anyway. time just goes further and it gets longer and longer. til it isn’t even time anymore, it’s just life. that’s what life is. forgetting and never remembering.grandma always asks me about my cuts, and i always tell her it’s that we got a dog who bites. that we tryna train him. she’s suspicious. she ain’t stupid. she’s worried about me. she’s always tryna shove food down my mouth but my stomach is small, it doesn’t fit as much as it used to. one kids big mac and i can’t even handle the fries. so i don’t even really eat much i just tell her to cook me some ramen, so she makes that packet of ramen or whatever and yeah. and she tells me imma get sodium poisoning and takes the salt away from me and im thinkin damn my girlfriend don’t know i’m at home gettin forcefed like a fuckin baby. and they know i have a girlfriend. they know she’s older than me and they don’t like her. even tho i tell them she’s good to me … my grandma said if these people really cared about me they would stop me from hurting myself… i don’t wanna think they’re right.

01.26.2018
i got a bullet in my thigh and i didn’t even tell fawn, or dion, or anybody. i didn’t tell tory or tokyo. nobody. i was walking back to the studio and got into shit, i wasn’t high and i couldn’t get a fuckin word out i sounded like a fuckin autistic retard. and they knew that so they took everything i had on me and when i tried to yank the fuckers hoodie down to at least get something in his homie shot me in the thigh. so i went to hospital and gave em a fake name and they took that shit out. it hurts like a bitch. i haven’t said anything to anybody. i’m just sitting here with a fuckin, like pulsating wound in my leg. it’s a little closer to my hips or something, like that area. one of the only times i’m happy we don’t have sex is when i get shit like this done to me. i have bruises all up my body and cuts on my thighs and arms and she doesn’t see them too well by the time i come to bed but she might feel them. then again, she holds me at the waist so why would she feel anything else? i guess i’m sorta living in this thing. like a ghost, kinda.if i’m not getting the shit beat out of me i’m stuck in a sense of really bad wanting cuz i wanna touch her. and sometimes i think if i just held her down … but it’s as far as i get into the thought because i get sick. it’s like somebody injected somethin in me and i can’t really go too deep or i feel sick. if it isn’t her i don’t have that reaction. fucking holes that people weren’t born with in my dreams. it isn’t even something i think i like, it just comes into my brain and i’m thinking about it and it just happens. but i feel sick after every thought i guess. mako calms me down by telling me that i like, like i’m fine, because he thinks of shit that’s sort of like that. that i gotta just make it into music so i don’t hurt anybody, bevause he says he knows i’ve hurt people before and “you don’t wanna loose what you have now cuz you can’t control yourself.” and so. it’s just self control. i don’t wanna think about what i did to devon, and she like didn’t deserve that. circumstance and a lot of drugs and peer pressure. we’ve talked about it before, she was kinda older a lot older than me anyways. and so she said it was kinda, like, we did it to each other. it makes me wanna die even more, really.

01.31.2018spent all day fixing kitchen appliances and shit. we can’t make the rent yet, the record ain’t done, so i got a job as a handyman. another job meant to spend time with older people as they live their last few fuckin days. it’s depressing as fuck. is this what it ends up like? me and fawn are gonna have a different life, if i just worked harder, i’d i work harder … then i can get my advance and i can get a good home for her and i, and in a few months or however long it takes — we get our babies.spent a lot of today on coke, cuz i’m fireballin lately to keep my mind steady. i gotta make more dough. should confront fawn on a prostitution front … im little, pervs like that shit. i’ve only done it once but it pays well. it’s something. it’s something. devon has been on my mind since the last time i wrote. life woulda been so different had she carried out to term. i hate my fuckin dad.he coulda just lived and taken it out on us instead of killing himself and leaving us with his mess. fuckin fag. but i don’t know. these thoughts have been getting bad. shit’s eating me up, my dreams are more violent and i keep kinda. i was fixing our dishwasher and i got all these flashes of bodies, fucked up shit. imma always be the odd one out. my whole tummy is slashed up, i kinda want fawn to talk to me about it.i just feel sick all the time. don’t like this skin.it’s all “new slaves.” i still belong to some kinda idea.i don’t have power over who i am. and maybe that’s good. cuz i’d kill hundreds of motherfuckers if had the chance. it’s fucked up, but i can’t tell anyone. calming down. i kinda started with heroin. i figured it wouldn’t hurt. i wanna eat fawn out. i wanna touch her. i want her to let me. gotta stay patient. gotta keep trying. three jobs, i’m a kid, and shit is gonna explode soon. just gotta wait. wait wait and wait. more fuckin waiting.02.1.2018it’s finally another fucking day. i really hate how this feels, i was paid $3,500 to stay in the small closet room of some pervert while he fuckin pretended i was there, when his wife was home, and like. y’know here is me. hiding in a fuckin closet, so he can fuck me without her knowing. i think i’m fuckin sick, these pieces of shit, man. and i have to do it. i cheated on my girlfriend for a landlord. it’s fuckin pathetic. and i can’t think of the good without thinking about all the bad; it gets in my way.

02.5.2018i had a dream i fucked fawn in her sleep. and her other eye went white, because i had hurt her so much. i woke up and ran to the bathroom to vomit and wouldn’t let her in. tore my stomach to shreds. went to work with ace bandages all over my tummy. i’m disgusted with myself. i drank some draino earlier and have been coughing, my stomach hurts, i deserve it. i don’t want to hurt fawn, i want her to love me. i want to spend the rest of my life taking care of her and loving her. what the fuck is wrong with me??? i feel so sick.that faggot could have at least taken us all out with him so his son didn’t have to grow up and be a monster like this. i know i don’t deserve her, i look in the mirror and my eyes are sunken in and i look sick and my whole body is fucked up. i’m too small im too skinny i’m fucking disgusting. huge ass lips and my skin is awful. fawns gonna feel the bandages and it’s like, she just gonna find more reasons to leave me. and i need her. i need her. if she even thought about leaving me i’d go insane, that would be it. i’d fall apart. i just wish i could kill myself but still live somehow. i see how hrt changes quinn’s body and i think i could be better.i could always be better and fawn doesn’t deserve this fucking shit. i just won’t come home tonight. i’m not going home. i don’t even know if i love her, really, i don’t even know if it’s love or guilt — like, i’m sorry you have to deal with me and you don’t deserve to be left alone like that, after having to deal with my bitch ass. i can’t leave her alone now, can’t after everything i do. and she doesn’t trust anybody to take care of her, and i’m so in love with quinn and she’s so fucking mean to me. like, i get it — i got it — i’m never gonna be with you and you won’t even be nice to me about having a hard time with it. i never really fuckin’ loved anybody, and i miss her. i miss her but she’s so mean. it makes me not wanna talk to her cuz i be depressed and i just wanna cry, i don’t know where my life is going and i need a guide to help me cuz i don’t know what the fuck i’m doin’. i’m trying so hard, but i’m barely doing jack shit. i can’t manage this. and she just makes fun of me. i don’t need that; imma just stop seeing her because i can’t handle it. i’m miserable — tearing myself apart and i’m just mocked.sure, i love you like that, but i love you like a sister, too. and i need you like that. you got your shit together thats fine, but if you’re just gonna leave me or treat me like shit then go. fuckin’ leave. it’s not like it makes much of a difference these days anyways.